Index (actualized 4-03-2010)

• The Lord and the Biker
• The prescription
• Lost in Translation
• Steve with a hang-over
• Crossing the border
• Why women shouldn't drink
• Puzzle
• Phone call
• The Pope
• Adam
• Simplifying english
• Computer
• Computers and Cars

The Lord and the Biker
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said..................
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.
" The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.
" The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me.
" The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
. . . The Lord replied,
. . . "How many lanes do you want on the bridge?"

Steve with a hangover
Steve wakes up at home with a huge hangover.  He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Steve looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Steve asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A. M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Steve asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

Crossing the border
While crossing the Thai/Laos border on his bicycle, a man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders.
"What's in the bags?", asked the guard.
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard. The cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown.
"Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard.
"We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"
"Bicycles!"

Why women shouldn't drink
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I  told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up & cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realising he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, & I told him 12:00.
He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said,-
"We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said,-
"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and giggeld again.

Puzzle
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started"
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..... "He sighed," ...let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box eh? "

Phone call
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answers the woman.
"We don't have a maid," says the man.
The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?
" The woman replies, "She is upstairs in bed with someone who I figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts the phone down. The man hears footsteps and two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."
After a long pause the man says, "Is this 555-4821?"

The Pope
After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief:" Governor?"
Cop:" Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief," Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief:" What makes you think it's God?" Cop:" He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

Adam
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God: "Lord, I have a problem"
"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that Adam?" , comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all this, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman' Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you." Replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great!"
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord? " Adam replies.
"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, and an ear."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God: "Errrr, what can I get for a rib?"
The rest....is history.

Simplifying english
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European nation rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
If zis mad yu smil, pleas pas it on to oza pepl.

Computer
During a french lesson the class was discussing how nouns were designated gramatically as masculine or feminine. Someone in the class asked what gender the word computer would fall into. Computer being a new word was not listed in the dictionary and the teacher did not know. So she split the class into males and females and asked them to decide which gender they thought computer should be and to list 4 reasons for their decision.
The male group decided that computer should definetly be femenine (la computer) because:
1 No one but there creator understands their internal logic.
2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.
3 Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.
4 As soon as you make a commitment to one you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.
The female group decided that computer should definatly be masculine(le computer) because:
1 In order to get their attention you need to turn them on
2 They have a lot of data but are essentially clueless
3 They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem
4 As soon as you commit to one you realise if you had waited a little longer you could have got a better model

There are some good ones in there, very cynical!
1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3. Half the people you know are below average.
4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9. All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18. Hard work pays off in the future - laziness pays off now.
19. I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!

Lost in Translation
Non-English speaking countries sometimes go out of their way to Communicate with their English-speaking tourists (it is still remarkable that they put effort in writing English!):
- LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. (Cocktail lounge, Norway)
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY. (At a Budapest zoo
- SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. (Doctor's office, Rome)
- COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF. (Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan)
- CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. (In a Nairobi restaurant)
- NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION. (On the grounds of a Nairobi private school)
- OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO. (In Aamchi Mumbai restaurant)
- SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. (In a Tokyo bar)
- YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. (Hotel, Japan)
- YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY. (In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery)
- BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE. (Hotel, Zurich)
- TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS. (Advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist)
- LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. (A laundry in Rome)
- TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES. (Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia)
- WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS? (Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand)
- GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE. (The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong)
- WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Airline ticket office, Copenhagen)
- And here the best!!!! : PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVE (In a Japanese cemetery)

The prescription
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked,
"Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied,
"I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Computers and Cars
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
'If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics':
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off
PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

Do you know any others?